how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
