I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
