I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
