Got a toothbrush?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
