i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
