I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
