I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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