At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she was so not down for the gang bang
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
