im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
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