his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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