I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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