Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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