you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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