Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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