Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize