Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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