you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
