I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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