i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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