oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
