The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
