nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This baby is an asshole
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
