peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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