Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize