they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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