dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
