would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
