I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize