If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
