I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
