Your face is a jimmy john
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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