I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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