he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
