I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
