Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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