He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My ATM looks so different sober.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
