Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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