he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
