; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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