Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
