I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
