i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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