You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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