when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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