i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
