My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize