Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I want a musical about memes.
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