woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
