New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
