And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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