Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
