Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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