i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
