I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
