Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
