Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
whose ass print is on the piano?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
