So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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