Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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