My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
