she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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