Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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